A "shout out" to Middle America

[as previously posted on Good Vibrations Sexy Mama Blog]

Thank you to those of you that have been reading this blog. I am grateful for the feedback you give. In communicating with some of the people reading my blog, one friend writes “Most of the people between NYC and Malibu are rather prudish by the coast's standards. I'd soften it a bit so Middle America can be more accepting of the message…”. Perhaps it’s more of a difference between metropolitan, suburban, and rural areas but generally I don’t think Middle America is so different really.

I have been talking to lots of people about their conversations with their kids... People local to me here in the Bay Area and across the country. One old friend who lives in the Midwest just shared with me that he has talked to his children openly about sex from a very early age and get this: his nearly twenty-year old daughter wants to become a nun. I think this is a fantastic example of a young person educated in sexuality who knows herself and is empowered to choose her own path.

An OB/Gyn friend of mine and I had a conversation about talking to kids openly about sex. She has older, high school and college aged kids and these two girls sound like self-aware young adults. The high schooler sees and describes to her parents the behaviors she observes at the teen parties (the behavior which is shocking really considering the teens receive the usual abstinence only/reproductive-biology-as-sex-ed in high school, but that’s not my point here). Both of her daughters decided to wait until what is now older than the U.S. average for age at first intercourse.

It’s interesting because both of these conversations remind me of an excerpt from one of the first books I read for a class at the Institute. It’s a fantastic book by Judith Levine Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex

Craig Long, a father I met in Chicago, had carried on a frank and continual conversation with his son, Henry, about sex since earliest childhood. Then, on his eleventh birthday, the boy asked shyly for a Playboy magazine. After discussing the matter with Henry’s mother, Craig gave him the magazine, accompanied by a small lecture. “I told him real women don’t look like the models in Playboy and they’re generally not splayed out for immediate consumption.” After a few weeks, Craig checked in with his son. Had he been looking at the magazine? “Hmm, not so much.” Was he enjoying it? “Hmm, not so much.” Why not? “I don’t know, Dad,” the boy finally said. “I guess I’m too young for this stuff.”

I find these above examples fascinating: Does this mean children, given accurate information and mindful guidance from their parents, can make informed and mature decisions on their own about sex and their sexuality??

Abstinence Only Before Marriage (AOBM) sex education is pushed by the religious right. I think AOBM sex ed gives sex and sexuality a sort of taboo quality to it. Let’s think about what happens when something is made forbidden. Hello... apple tree in the Garden of Eden folks? I also think AOBM sex ed contributes toward the current phenomenon of booty calls, hooking up, friends with benefits, etc. There is a sort of dissociation between the act of having sex and the feelings associated with it. If you were not supposed to be having ”it” in the first place, then why would you admit or connect emotionally with that partner? That’s not a scientific observation by any means. It’s just my opinion and I’d love to see research on it. I’d love to also see data on whether the people engaging in this behavior are the ones who are getting AOBM sex ed and nothing more. I think the squeaky wheel gets the grease, or in this case, the squeaky group gets their fear-based sex propaganda set as a national approach to sex ed. And for some reason some see Middle America as the hot bed (pun intended?) of these views. Ok, sorry for the rant.

Getting back to the Middle America, as I think I have shown above there are pockets of you out there that do speak openly about sex with your kids. I guess it all boils down to comfort level of each individual parent. Get over your OWN embarrassment already. Talk with your kids when you get the chance. Or better yet, take the chance to find out what they already know. You may be surprised. It’s up to each and every one of us to own and be the change we would like to see in comprehensive sex education.

Thank you again for reading. If you would care to share your successes (and disappointments?) on this topic with me, I would love to hear about them.

My kid skipped the "Where did I come from" question!

[as previously posted on the Good Vibrations Sexy Mama Blog]

My girls (We'll call them Marcia & Cindy) know that I'm studying sex at school. Actually, when you Marcia tell it, she says her mom is "studying people's bodies", which I guess is age-appropriate.

Anyway, I have a number of "school supplies" in my home and, because my focus is helping parents talk with their children about sex, I have a number of European kids' books. Most of these cover simply reproductive biology (as Americans don't talk about pleasure or fantasy as it relates to human sexuality for adults, teens, or children at all but i digress...).  So you can imagine my surprise when, one day, my eight-year-old comes to me and asks,

"Mom, how do you have sex and not get pregnant?"

Well, don't that beat all?!  Not only did she skip the dreaded, "Mom, where did I come from?" but went straight for the throat.  Not to mention she asked the question in a way that prevents me from answering, "Don't have it."  (Clever girl, huh?  She takes after her mother you know.)  But seriously, my answer was that there are a couple ways.  Keep in mind "Don't have it" was not going to work as an answer because of what her question was.

My basic approach in answering on this topic is to answer as best I can IN ONE SENTENCE (a challenge believe me).  I told her that women can get a pill from their doctor that prevents pregnancy but it doesn't protect against sexually transmitted infections. She asked what those are and I explained that they were sicknesses a person may or may not even know they have that can make people contagious, sick, and/or even die. She asked,  "What about the man? Does he have to take a pill?"  I told her about condoms

and how they protect from pregnancy and STI's.  She asked how and I told her it was like a special sock for a man's penis that protects both the man and the woman during sexual intercourse. She giggled a bit and wandered off.

Again, like the last interaction with her about the bullet vibrator, it was short and sweet and to the point and that was all she wanted to know.  Of course there are lots of possible answers I could have given her but I wanted to give the best answers I could in as short an answer as possible.  This keeps her from being overwhelmed and she can stop me whenever she wants.

I realized two things afterward.

1) That I didn't ask her what she knew to start.  I see that as an opportunity for every parent to gauge how much the child does already know and redirect any misinformation (which is RAMPANT!!!  More to come on THAT topic), and

2) My answer was very hetero-centric. I hoped for another opportunity to fix that.