Monday, November 15, 2010

Happy Dot Day!

[as previously posted on Good Vibrations Sexy Mama Blog]

Over the past summer, my girls, Marcia (8) and Cindy (6), and I started discussing the changes that happen to a kid’s body when s/he goes through puberty. We discussed all the usual stuff but in very general terms.
In boys, a few of the changes that occur are the following: hair starts to grow around the base of the penis, hair grows under the arms and on the chest, some boys get growing pains in their bones, and eventually hair grows above their upper lip and their voice changes.

The changes in girls can happen sometimes two years earlier than with boys. Many times the first change that’s noticed is breast development. At the same time that the breasts are starting to develop, the ovaries are growing inside. A girl also starts to grow hair around the vulva and under her arms. The hormones that are produced in a girl’s ovaries are causing these changes. These are just a few of the many changes that occur, sometimes as early as nine years old. All of this builds up to a girl getting her period for the first time.

I’ve heard lots of stories about kids and moms dealing with menstruation issues; some funny, some sad. Some girlfriends said their moms called it “The Curse” or apologized to them. Others girlfriends say their mothers didn’t talk about first menstruation with them at all and then they feared they were dying because they were bleeding and it wasn’t stopping. Can you imagine the emotional trauma of a young girl who has no knowledge at all about what is happening to her body? On a lighter note, have you heard the one about the little girl who is helping her mom set the table for dinner and she goes into the bathroom and brings out the good “napkins”?

I don’t know about you but I am excited for when my girls make the transition from big girl to little woman. Based on my own experiences with menstruation at puberty I’ve tried to make menstruation a positive thing, you know, something to look forward to as well in this whole “growing up” experience. I told Marcia and Cindy that when they get their Period for the first time we would have a party. Marcia at first didn’t want to tell people what we were celebrating and I said that’s fine. It’s a party for us. We are going to have a present and we will bake a cake… wait for it…
a Red Velvet Cake!
Cindy wants a figurine on the cake of a girl using a mirror to look at her private parts. THAT cracked me up. She’s also the one who came up with the name for the day… Happy Dot Day!

Lemme tell you about this present. I heard one of my favorite Bay Area puberty educators Ivy Chen give a fantastic suggestion at a meeting of parents, the one before students start puberty education. She suggested giving the girls a small toiletry bag filled with a clean pair of underwear, one of those heating pads that you twist to activate, a sanitary pad or two, and, if your school will allow it, a Midol for cramps. I thought this was a fantastic idea and that’s going to be the present my daughter gets on her Happy Dot Day.

Over time, as girls we’ve talked about all of the paraphernalia that goes with “surfing the crimson wave”, pads, tampons, etc. We have also had conversations about, and this might sound fairly earth mother-ish to some of you, the Diva Cup Model 1 Pre-Childbirth. This is not something for the squeamish but it’s very eco-friendly. One of my girlfriends tipped me off to it a couple years ago. I can honestly say though I no longer spend a single dime on feminine products for “Aunt Flo”.

If they walk in on me in the bathroom…and mothers, which one of you has not had this happen to you??… I don’t hide that time of the month from my girls (I haven’t shown them exactly what I’m doing but I have told them where things go and the purpose) because it’s a natural part of being an adult female. Obviously one day they will be one as well. It is ok to talk to your daughters, AND sons for that matter, about menstruation. Nearly every woman does it and a child growing up less scared or fearful around one more bodily function is a good thing.

Open Letter to the Hosts of “The Talk”

[as previously posted on Good Vibrations Sexy Mama Blog]

"Talking to your kids about sex”? That was awful

Dear Hosts,

I thought the segment was terrible. The experts were trying to help and gave great EXPERT advice (expert being the operative word). Drs. Berman and Buckley were right on the money. I think the issue here is more that your host/interviewer was sexualizing a topic that is a natural part of human behavior… it’s how we all came into this world isn’t it?

I wasn’t particularly pleased to see the obvious judgment on Marissa’s face in her on-the-street interviews either. Judgment or sex negativity doesn’t help anyone. In fact, don’t most people just want to know that they are “normal” when it comes to sex and sexuality?

The experts are not giving advice that parents sit down and go through the How-To’s of penile/vaginal sex with a two year old; that IS too much info. They were advocating simply proper names. Yes they may be clinical sounding but they are correct. Also certainly less silly than HooHoo or Cupcake (Really Leah?! Cupcake? Can’t WAIT until she is a teenager with THAT one.) Thank you Holly for seeing the sense in this.

It is important to remember that we as adults tend to sexualize things that a child does NOT see as sexual. I think this fact is an important piece to remember: When a child overhears that two people are sleeping together, they picture two people snuggling in the same bed (something they probably like to do with Mom or Dad), whereas an adult pictures the “Sleeping Together” we all know and love. This is sexualization, making something sexual or attributing sex or a sex role.

I applaud the efforts of Drs. Berman and Buckley. I just wish the best parts of their interviews didn’t end up on the cutting room floor. Shame on you editors! Well, I guess the upside is you highlight all the work we sexologists have ahead of us.

Sincerely,
The MamaSutra

Self-Love

[as previously posted on Good Vibrations Sexy Mama Blog]


My daughter asked me about sex again. Surprise, surprise.

Marcia came back to me one day while I was folding laundry on the bed with another whopper of a question… and I was glad she did. She asked me if there were more ways to have sex and not get pregnant. If you recall from a previous post, I was bummed after I gave my answer to her last question because my answer was very heterocentric, meaning defining sex as only penile-vaginal (P/V) intercourse.

I’m building up to my answer: Some of you might already know where I’m going with this. But, before you read on, you probably realize that not many people like to talk about “This”. “This” is highly controversial stuff. The “This” I’m referring to is Masturbation. Some call it self-love or self-pleasuring along with other more silly names depending upon your gender.

Dr. Jocelyn Elders was forced to resign her post as U.S. Surgeon General in December 1994 after suggesting masturbation be taught in sex ed!! She was asked at a World AIDS Day conference if she would consider promoting masturbation as a means of preventing young people from engaging in riskier forms of sexual activity. Elder, as quoted in US News & World Report responded, “With regard to masturbation, I think that it is something that is a part of human sexuality and a part of something that should perhaps be taught.”
http://www.galeschools.com/womens_history/bio/elders_j.htm

Dr. Elders is a very wise woman. Genital self-stimulation is very natural; some babies in their first year of life explore their bodies and this behavior has been observed in utero as well. But it is also important to remember that we as adults tend to sexualize things that a child does NOT see as sexual and a child’s self-stimulating behavior is not “masturbating” like an adult. I think this fact is an important piece to remember: When a child overhears that two people are sleeping together, they picture two people snuggling in the same bed (something they probably like to do with Mom or Dad), whereas an adult pictures the “Sleeping Together” we all know and love. This is sexualization, making something sexual or attributing sex or a sex role.

Back to my answer to Marcia’s question.

Me: “I’m so happy you asked. I realized last time you asked me I forgot THE very best way. You are not going to get pregnant and you are not going to get any sexually transmitted infections! It’s called masturbation.”

Her: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s when you touch your private parts.”

Her: “Do you do that?”

**Spoiler Alert**: those of you who know me can skip down to the Punch Line if you prefer …

Me: (ugh. I did NOT expect the line of questioning to go this way. Did I REALLY say I was going to try to be up front and honest with this stuff??) *blushing* “weeelll, yeeeaaahh.”

Her: “You DO??!”

Me: “Yeah, but I didn’t until I was older mainly because Grandma told me only girls who are dirty, nasty, or naughty do that. As I got older I realized that was a bunch of nonsense.”

Her: (grinning) “Really?”

Me: “There are all kinds of things people say about masturbation that simply aren’t true. But it’s your body. It belongs to you. I’m ok with you touching your parts. But please keep it private, say when you are alone in your room or in the bathroom. It’s not something to do in public.” (That last sentence said with emphasis to lighten the mood.)

Marcia, giggling, fell down into the folded clothes on the bed. We snuggled, laughing together, big smiles on our faces.

**Spoiler End**

Masturbation or self-pleasuring has many benefits. It improves immune function, relieves menstrual cramps, and is the safest kind of sex … meaning it is risk-free: no chance for pregnancy or STI’s. Masturbation also helps a person know his or her own body better and s/he learns what feels good. Some parents would rather their teens release the sexual tension alone than feel pressure to have P/V sex. All of this reminds me of my favorite line in the YouTube video of a “Weeds” episode talking about masturbation. Uncle Andy says, “Practice makes perfect so work on your control now while you’re a solo artist and you’ll be playing some long happy duets in the future”.

As for what Grandma said, some would say Masturbation IS dirty and nasty…but in the GOOD way.

Friday, October 15, 2010

A "shout out" to Middle America

[as previously posted on Good Vibrations Sexy Mama Blog]

Thank you to those of you that have been reading this blog. I am grateful for the feedback you give. In communicating with some of the people reading my blog, one friend writes “Most of the people between NYC and Malibu are rather prudish by the coast's standards. I'd soften it a bit so Middle America can be more accepting of the message…”. Perhaps it’s more of a difference between metropolitan, suburban, and rural areas but generally I don’t think Middle America is so different really.

I have been talking to lots of people about their conversations with their kids... People local to me here in the Bay Area and across the country. One old friend who lives in the Midwest just shared with me that he has talked to his children openly about sex from a very early age and get this: his nearly twenty-year old daughter wants to become a nun. I think this is a fantastic example of a young person educated in sexuality who knows herself and is empowered to choose her own path.

An OB/Gyn friend of mine and I had a conversation about talking to kids openly about sex. She has older, high school and college aged kids and these two girls sound like self-aware young adults. The high schooler sees and describes to her parents the behaviors she observes at the teen parties (the behavior which is shocking really considering the teens receive the usual abstinence only/reproductive-biology-as-sex-ed in high school, but that’s not my point here). Both of her daughters decided to wait until what is now older than the U.S. average for age at first intercourse.

It’s interesting because both of these conversations remind me of an excerpt from one of the first books I read for a class at the Institute. It’s a fantastic book by Judith Levine Harmful to Minors: The Perils of Protecting Children from Sex

Craig Long, a father I met in Chicago, had carried on a frank and continual conversation with his son, Henry, about sex since earliest childhood. Then, on his eleventh birthday, the boy asked shyly for a Playboy magazine. After discussing the matter with Henry’s mother, Craig gave him the magazine, accompanied by a small lecture. “I told him real women don’t look like the models in Playboy and they’re generally not splayed out for immediate consumption.” After a few weeks, Craig checked in with his son. Had he been looking at the magazine? “Hmm, not so much.” Was he enjoying it? “Hmm, not so much.” Why not? “I don’t know, Dad,” the boy finally said. “I guess I’m too young for this stuff.”

I find these above examples fascinating: Does this mean children, given accurate information and mindful guidance from their parents, can make informed and mature decisions on their own about sex and their sexuality??

Abstinence Only Before Marriage (AOBM) sex education is pushed by the religious right. I think AOBM sex ed gives sex and sexuality a sort of taboo quality to it. Let’s think about what happens when something is made forbidden. Hello... apple tree in the Garden of Eden folks? I also think AOBM sex ed contributes toward the current phenomenon of booty calls, hooking up, friends with benefits, etc. There is a sort of dissociation between the act of having sex and the feelings associated with it. If you were not supposed to be having ”it” in the first place, then why would you admit or connect emotionally with that partner? That’s not a scientific observation by any means. It’s just my opinion and I’d love to see research on it. I’d love to also see data on whether the people engaging in this behavior are the ones who are getting AOBM sex ed and nothing more. I think the squeaky wheel gets the grease, or in this case, the squeaky group gets their fear-based sex propaganda set as a national approach to sex ed. And for some reason some see Middle America as the hot bed (pun intended?) of these views. Ok, sorry for the rant.

Getting back to the Middle America, as I think I have shown above there are pockets of you out there that do speak openly about sex with your kids. I guess it all boils down to comfort level of each individual parent. Get over your OWN embarrassment already. Talk with your kids when you get the chance. Or better yet, take the chance to find out what they already know. You may be surprised. It’s up to each and every one of us to own and be the change we would like to see in comprehensive sex education.

Thank you again for reading. If you would care to share your successes (and disappointments?) on this topic with me, I would love to hear about them.

My kid skipped the "Where did I come from" question!

[as previously posted on the Good Vibrations Sexy Mama Blog]

My girls (We'll call them Marcia & Cindy) know that I'm studying sex at school. Actually, when you Marcia tell it, she says her mom is "studying people's bodies", which I guess is age-appropriate.

Anyway, I have a number of "school supplies" in my home and, because my focus is helping parents talk with their children about sex, I have a number of European kids' books. Most of these cover simply reproductive biology (as Americans don't talk about pleasure or fantasy as it relates to human sexuality for adults, teens, or children at all but i digress...).  So you can imagine my surprise when, one day, my eight-year-old comes to me and asks,

"Mom, how do you have sex and not get pregnant?"

Well, don't that beat all?!  Not only did she skip the dreaded, "Mom, where did I come from?" but went straight for the throat.  Not to mention she asked the question in a way that prevents me from answering, "Don't have it."  (Clever girl, huh?  She takes after her mother you know.)  But seriously, my answer was that there are a couple ways.  Keep in mind "Don't have it" was not going to work as an answer because of what her question was.

My basic approach in answering on this topic is to answer as best I can IN ONE SENTENCE (a challenge believe me).  I told her that women can get a pill from their doctor that prevents pregnancy but it doesn't protect against sexually transmitted infections. She asked what those are and I explained that they were sicknesses a person may or may not even know they have that can make people contagious, sick, and/or even die. She asked,  "What about the man? Does he have to take a pill?"  I told her about condoms



and how they protect from pregnancy and STI's.  She asked how and I told her it was like a special sock for a man's penis that protects both the man and the woman during sexual intercourse. She giggled a bit and wandered off.


Again, like the last interaction with her about the bullet vibrator, it was short and sweet and to the point and that was all she wanted to know.  Of course there are lots of possible answers I could have given her but I wanted to give the best answers I could in as short an answer as possible.  This keeps her from being overwhelmed and she can stop me whenever she wants.

I realized two things afterward.

1) That I didn't ask her what she knew to start.  I see that as an opportunity for every parent to gauge how much the child does already know and redirect any misinformation (which is RAMPANT!!!  More to come on THAT topic), and

2) My answer was very hetero-centric. I hoped for another opportunity to fix that.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Number one with a Bullet

[as previously posted on Good Vibrations Sexy Mama Blog]

True Story.  This is how it all started:


I'm in the bathroom one morning brushing my teeth. In walks my eight-year-old Marcia. She is bored because she's already ready for school and she's looking for something to pass the time. She absentmindedly opens a drawer where the hairbrushes are and sees my bullet vibrator.









(I always clean my toys and I just didn't have a chance to put this one away where it belonged..)  It's red and shiny and looks really cool so she picks it up and says, "Mom.  What's this?"


me:  (mouthful of toothpaste)  "It's nothing.  Put it away."


her:  (fiddling with it in her hands)  "No. What is it??"


Now, this is the moment I've been waiting for as a parent and as a student of sexology. I spit out my toothpaste and say,


me:  (big sigh)  "It's a vibrator."


her:  (not missing a beat)  "What's it for?"    By this time she now has figured out how to turn it ON...


me:  "It's for your private parts."


And now not only does she have it ON, but she is running the little bullet along her nose, over her eyebrows, and along her forehead, a little "d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d" noise from the bullet as it goes.   She says,


her:  "It tickles."


I say:  "Imagine what it feels like on your private parts."


She neatly turns it off, puts it back in the drawer, closes the drawer, and walks out of the bathroom.


I have to laugh at that whole interaction. It was brief. It was accurate. I could have made up some story about what it was but, I look at it this way: Kids figure out at a very early age that adults are full of **it. When a parent says "don't run or you'll fall!" and the kid runs anyway and doesn't fall there's a little message they get from that.  Add to that the numerous times a parent makes up stories and the kid figures out it was a lie.  I once read the more warnings you give a kid that don't turn out to be true, the more likely your kid is to ignore your advice because you obviously don't know what you are talking about.  See?  Parents can be seen as lousy sources.  So why not be truthful?








Some dads (yes, dads. not any moms yet) that I've explained this story to get sort of uppity about my telling her the truth. They ask "aren't you afraid of her going off and trying to find it again and use it on herself?"  No, not really. She showed me her interest when she turned it off and put it away.  (I did put it away where it belonged after that.  Kind of wished I had one of these ToiBocks instead).  I am also certain that she got a very clear message from me that I was going to tell her the truth whether it was embarrassing or not.


I think this set a really great precedent for our level of communication... stay tuned.

--

And away we go!

[as previously posted on Good Vibrations Sexy Mama Blog]

So this is it. I'm blogging some of the crazy, hilarious, poignant and precocious conversations that I've been having with my eight- and six-year-old daughters and other parents, mostly mothers. Some of these conversations have been awkward, but all of them have been learning opportunities. Teaching moments if you will.

To give you a little bit of background, I am a mom... but before becoming a mom, I lived another life. Many years ago when I was in undergrad, I studied psychology and women's studies, and decided I wanted to be a sex therapist. Well, I didn't want to go back right away to grad school and, as it usually happens, life had a different plan for me. I started a career that I liked, married my college sweetheart, bought a house, moved to New York City, and then relocated to Germany where we started a family.

When both girls were babies I noticed that the Europeans approached sexuality much differently than Americans.  The Germans, for example, call the conversation with children about sex "Aufklaerung" which means The Enlightenment.  I love that!  Seeing and experiencing this first hand as a parent while while living overseas brought me back to my original career goal.  I think things happen for a reason and, despite the slight detour in my initial life plan, I've come full circle; I enrolled in The Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and I'm back to my plan of being a Clinical Sexologist... only this time a focus of mine will be to help parents talk with their kids about sex.

This parenting thing has given me the opportunity to practice what I preach on the topic of sex education. It's more than practice though. I strongly believe my behavior and my approach toward sexuality with my girls is going to be one that will benefit them and hopefully help them grow up to be sexually healthy adults. The way I hope to approach this is through giving them open, honest, accurate information. I don't know about you but I would much rather have my children come to me instead of going to YouTube or Google or some porn website to get information.

Most parents refer to the conversation about puberty or sex to be "The Talk".  When I hear that I think of a single conversation.  Personally, it's something that I take the opportunity to discuss with them whenever it pops up, for example, a TV show, an advertisement on the street, even a joke they hear.   I've been continually surprised at how much my oldest daughter understands exactly what is going on.  I hope this blog will also show that kids are incredibly curious and ask really good questions when this first starts to become a topic of interest for them.

I don't profess to be perfect in any way. I'm probably going to freak some of you out by the conversations that we have. I'll probably frustrate others that I'm saying anything about the topic. I do believe, however, that if I give my girls all of the information they need about sex and the associated feelings (most importantly feelings!!) that they will then in time make good, healthy decisions about what they choose to do, with whom, and when.

Enjoy! And if you have any comments please feel free to leave them here. Thank you!