Monday, March 28, 2011

I found a condom in the playroom!

As previously posted on Good Vibrations Sexy Mamas Blog



I was over at my friend Mike’s house.  I went into his office to look for something when I noticed a condom on the floor in Greg and Bobby’s playroom. It was not used but it was out of the wrapper. I went to ask Mike about it and he said, with a very perplexed look on his face, he found the wrapper the other day and wondered where the contents were. There had been lots of activity in the playroom because the boys were setting up for a Welcome Back party to celebrate when Marcia and Cindy returned from their vacation to grandma’s house complete with streamers, balloons, presents and party favors.


So then I went into the room where Greg was playing and told him, in sort of a leading, non-accusatory way, that I saw the balloon-y thing he found in the playroom…at least I presumed he found it.  He corrected me and said, “Oh, Bobby found that. What was it anyway?” I told him it was called a condom. He asked, “What’s that?” I said it was something a man puts on his penis when he has sex to protect him from sexually transmitted infections (STI’s). He said “Ew.” and that was the end of it.


Later, when we were all together in the car, I asked Bobby where he found  that balloon-like thing that was in the play room. He said he found it in a box in the back of dad’s desk.  Mike shot me a one eyebrow raised, sideways look like he had no idea what his son was talking about.  Before I could say anything else, Greg told Bobby “Yeah, do you know what it’s for? Men wear it on their penis when they have sex so they won’t get sexual sicknesses”. Bobby led out a series of groans and eww’s.  He said he thought it was a balloon and he tried to blow it up for their party but that it was slippery and gross.  Mike and I chuckled, thinking about the mental image that put into our heads.


This story had a funny ending but it further shows the importance of having an open dialog about things of a sexual nature. The kids found the condom; that sort of thing is going to happen. Kids do all sorts of things as they get older without the direct oversight of their parents (finding presents ahead of time, stumbling upon other things they don't need to find, etc.). I let them ask the questions and I tried to answer in as simple a way as possible giving the correct answer (even if I didn’t go into ALL of the reasons people use condoms). Their dad didn’t get angry or embarrassed, which may make it easier for them to come forth next time and ask.


So, maybe next time they find something strange they’ll ask?  And maybe their dad needs a better hiding place for his personal items?


Got Wood?

As previously posted on Good Vibrations Sexy Mamas Blog

I saw an interesting T-shirt on a fourth grader at our elementary school’s campus: It said “got wood?”




got wood?




I understand the “got milk?” ad campaign and how funny that was. This one I just couldn’t get. I had a hard time picturing what that actually was an ad for… Baseball Bats? Carpentry? A new line of T-shirts for beavers and wood chucks? I’m just not sure. So I went to my computer and I googled it looking for this T-shirt in the shopping section. The first one that shows up is for a woodworking shop.
Then the second one was very obviously not woodworking (or maybe it was depending on your definition of "working your wood").

This second website’s shirt gets to the heart of what I think the one on campus was getting at, and of course, that got me thinking: What kind of messages are we sending with having sexual innuendos on T-shirts for kids? Could this boy understand the T-shirt he was wearing? Did anyone sit down with him and explain why that was funny? Is that too much information? Are there parents who are offended? Or thought it was inappropriate? Did anyone else notice??

In my humble opinion, most everything is about sex whether people recognize it or not. And it is surely at the forefront of my mind because it is what I’m studying. I do not wake up thinking about it (most days) but it pervades my day and how I see other people’s behavior. And I think when most people say “sex” they’re thinking of the act. I think of it as more encompassing in “sexuality”: the capacity for sexual feelings. This T-shirt is a good example of that. Most people look at that shirt “got wood?” and chuckle. They get it instinctively, don’t even have to think twice… “Wood” being a euphemism for the erection of the penis.

So my question is this: when you see T-shirts like this do you explain them to your children, and if so, at what age? Had my eight-year-old Marcia seen this T-shirt with me I may have started the discussion. I could see asking her what she thought it meant and then listening to her description. I could see asking her if she wanted to know what came to my mind. She knows a little about the male anatomy. I think this would be a good place to start a conversation about why a man’s penis gets erect, and why a T-shirt about that would be funny. I could also see this being the start of a discussion about sex and advertising. I know there’s a lot of material about that subject.

Perhaps it is just me, and maybe I do think about sexuality nearly 24 hours a day, 365 days a year but this to me is yet another example of an opportunity to have an open and frank discussion about sexuality with kids. What better way to help kids be sexually informed and make it through the world by being a parent (or an aunt or uncle) who is seen as a safe person to have these conversations with and guide them yourself... while they still listen to what you have to say.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Self-Love

[as previously posted on Good Vibrations Sexy Mama Blog]


My daughter asked me about sex again. Surprise, surprise.

Marcia came back to me one day while I was folding laundry on the bed with another whopper of a question… and I was glad she did. She asked me if there were more ways to have sex and not get pregnant. If you recall from a previous post, I was bummed after I gave my answer to her last question because my answer was very heterocentric, meaning defining sex as only penile-vaginal (P/V) intercourse.

I’m building up to my answer: Some of you might already know where I’m going with this. But, before you read on, you probably realize that not many people like to talk about “This”. “This” is highly controversial stuff. The “This” I’m referring to is Masturbation. Some call it self-love or self-pleasuring along with other more silly names depending upon your gender.

Dr. Joycelyn Elders was forced to resign her post as U.S. Surgeon General in December 1994 after suggesting masturbation be taught in sex ed!! She was asked at a World AIDS Day conference if she would consider promoting masturbation as a means of preventing young people from engaging in riskier forms of sexual activity. Elder, as quoted in US News & World Report responded, "With regard to masturbation, I think that it is something that is a part of human sexuality and a part of something that should perhaps be taught."

http://www.galeschools.com/womens_history/bio/elders_j.htm

Dr. Elders is a very wise woman. Genital self-stimulation is very natural; some babies in their first year of life explore their bodies and this behavior has been observed in utero as well. But it is also important to remember that we as adults tend to sexualize things that a child does NOT see as sexual and a child’s self-stimulating behavior is not “masturbating” like an adult. I think this fact is an important piece to remember: When a child overhears that two people are sleeping together, they picture two people snuggling in the same bed (something they probably like to do with Mom or Dad), whereas an adult pictures the “Sleeping Together” we all know and love. This is sexualization, making something sexual or attributing sex or a sex role.

Back to my answer to Marcia’s question.

Me: “I’m so happy you asked. I realized last time you asked me I forgot THE very best way. You are not going to get pregnant and you are not going to get any sexually transmitted infections! It’s called masturbation.”

Her: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s when you touch your private parts.”

Her: “Do you do that?”

**Spoiler Alert**: those of you who know me can skip down to the Punch Line if you prefer …

Me: (ugh. I did NOT expect the line of questioning to go this way. Did I REALLY say I was going to try to be up front and honest with this stuff??) *blushing* “weeelll, yeeeaaahh.”

Her: “You DO??!”

Me: “Yeah, but I didn’t until I was older mainly because Grandma told me only girls who are dirty, nasty, or naughty do that. As I got older I realized that was a bunch of nonsense.”

Her: (grinning) “Really?”

Me: “There are all kinds of things people say about masturbation that simply aren’t true. But it’s your body. It belongs to you. I’m ok with you touching your parts. But please keep it private, say when you are alone in your room or in the bathroom. It’s not something to do in public.” (That last sentence said with emphasis to lighten the mood.)

Marcia, giggling, fell down into the folded clothes on the bed. We snuggled, laughing together, big smiles on our faces.

**Spoiler End**

Masturbation or self-pleasuring has many benefits. It improves immune function, relieves menstrual cramps, and is the safest kind of sex … meaning it is risk-free: no chance for pregnancy or STI’s. Masturbation also helps a person know his or her own body better and s/he learns what feels good. Some parents would rather their teens release the sexual tension alone than feel pressure to have P/V sex. All of this reminds me of my favorite line in the YouTube video of a “Weeds” episode talking about masturbation. Uncle Andy says, “Practice makes perfect so work on your control now while you’re a solo artist and you’ll be playing some long happy duets in the future”.

As for what Grandma said, some would say Masturbation IS dirty and nasty…but in the GOOD way. :)